Every year around this time (and sometimes during the year too) I get stressed about my weight. I am not sure if it's because of the warmer weather and so you wear less or just the way I am. When I walk the dog to the park I go past this building where you can see your reflection in the glass and every time I go past I just look at myself and think "Yuck" and "How did I let myself get this way?"
Lets go back to the beginning. When I was a child and right the way up to the age of 18 I was under weight. In fact the school even called my mum in once about it. I used to eat lots and whatever I wanted and not put on anything. When I was 18 years old I was 8 Stone. I had a lovely figure (maybe slightly too skinny) and people used to take notice of me a little. Whilst I always felt ugly mainly due to being rejected so many times in my teens by all the paper boys I fancied, I still knew my figure was pretty good.
|Me aged 18.|
Then I got glandular fever and my world changed. It was at this point my energy levels got zapped and whilst that was 17 years ago now my energy levels have never been the same. I have days when I am so tired I have to go back to bed for a few hours. I have been to the doctors many times about my energy and they do blood tests and nothing comes up so I am stuck with this undiagnosed fatigue. Around the age of 18 I also hit rock bottom with an OCD form of depression (you can see my previous post about my battle with depression here) and was put on anti-depressants. I have been on them ever since and will be for the rest of my life. So all these things going on with my body I started to get bigger and bigger. I am now a size 24 and this summer I am the heaviest I have ever been at just over 18 stone. I really do think my metabolism has changed because I can eat around the same or less than my fiancé Neil and he doesn't put anything on but I do.
So it's time to cut down on the junk food and treats. This time I have decided due to the fact I am unemployed and therefore haven't got much money to try and just cut down myself without joining Weight Watchers or whatever. In fact two years ago I joined Weight Watchers and lost a fair amount but unfortunately the lady that ran the group turned on me and shouted me down in front of everyone saying I was losing too much and that if I lost another 3lbs next week she would have to kick me out. I never went back because it really upset me. I have never heard of anyone being threatened to be kicked out of a slimming club because they were losing weight.
So at the moment here is my plan. I have cut out the big bowls of cereal and gone back to porridge in the morning. I have cut down on the fizzy drinks, chocolate and other junk food. I have even started going back to eating diet ready meals in the evening (not every night though). I have lost about 6lbs in the last two weeks. I am just taking it easy really and doing it slowly. I walk the dog every day and with my friend Wendy I go walking further than I used to and faster than my normal pace so I am sure that helps. I know I am never going to be super slim again but to lose some would be good not only for my confidence but also for my health. I do notice that when I am slimmer my asthma gets a little better. The thing I find the hardest is when people come back into my life from when I was at school or in my late teens and knew the skinny me. I feel so embarrassed about my weight now, they must look at me and think "what on earth happened to her?"
I still have one takeaway a week for a treat. You have to have some pleasures in life. A doctor once told me that I would be on a diet for the rest of my life. Now to me that statement is so depressing. At the end of the day I want to lose the weight for me. I have a gorgeous fiancé who I love and loves me to pieces and I know inside that I am a good person. I may be overweight and I may be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life but at least I feel better mentally and have a good happy life. I guess at the end of the day you can't have everything you want but I am going to give it a try to get slimmer this summer.