Friday, 21 April 2017

My Online Dating Experience

About a month and a half ago I decided to give online dating a go and sign up to a popular free dating site in the hope I would find a new friend and maybe build a relationship with him over time. I signed up open minded about the type of men who would message me and made an honest positive profile with plenty of pictures including full length ones to show that I am a larger lady. Over my time on there I discovered there are five types of men: 

Mr Jerk - there is no way you are going to escape these type of men on dating sites. The ones who think that sending a sexual message or talking about sex after one message or even on the first message is going to get them a shag. As my messages came in I could almost tell who was going to be a jerk by their picture. These tended to be the really attractive men who looked at my profile and thought "oh a fattie, she must be desperate and easy." To me the biggest turn off ever is a man who wants to talk about sex before anything else. Don't get me wrong flirting is fine but this was not flirting. I'm not interested in your foot fetish, that you like to give other men blowjobs or you want to cum all over my face. I want to get to know you and what you enjoy doing in life not in the bedroom. I also hate it when men over use the word "babe" or "princess" when they don't even know you. I clearly stated on my profile I wanted a relationship not a one night stand but you just can't escape these type of guys. 


Mr Waster - this one is hard for me to write about and I hope I come across the way I want to. I fully understand that people have illnesses and are on benefits. I know this because I am one of those people but these are the men who are on benefits and openly admit they don't mind staying on benefits for the rest of their lives. I personally hate the fact I am on benefits and I am doing everything I can to get help with my condition so that I am well enough and reliable to get a job even if it's just part time at first. I am very understanding towards mental health issues and serious disabilities but these are guys who with help and time could get back into work but just want to take the easy way out. For example I met one guy who has diabetes and he refuses to have treatment for it and said he was going to die young and was happy to be on benefits for the rest of his life. I'm sorry but I don't want to be with someone that has no ambition at all or won't even try to help themselves. 


Mr Rude - these are the men who obviously think they are better than you that they don't even think you are worthy of a response. As I went through profiles I decided to message men who I shared common interests with. I am well aware that I am not the prettiest girl out there. I never have been a popular girl and now with my weight I feel worse about myself. I think I'm not like most girls as I am not into fashion and beauty etc. However I did find some people who I thought looked nice and shared interests with me. I guess I kind of veer towards the geeky type of guy. Anyway I would send a nice message about our common interests and then nothing. To them I obviously wasn't worthy of a reply. I guess they looked at my profile and judged me by my appearance. Whereas I replied to every single person that messaged me even the Mr Jerks. Even if it was to say thanks for the message but sorry I'm not interested. Maybe I was wrong to do that but I grew up learning to be polite and have manners and to treat people how you wish to be treated. I gave every guy I chance because you never know when something might click. 


Mr Time Waster - when I first joined the site I had quite a few responses. As a new fish in the pond everyone was eager to find out more. These are the guys who I have chatted to since I first joined but the chat goes no where. It's the same old. They come online every couple of days and message me to ask me how I am or what I am up to and then that's it. They don't ask anything about me or suggest anything more. They are happy to bumble along for months on end repeating the same old things. 


Mr Pushy - after reading about the time wasters it's probably weird that I am now writing about the pushy men. These are the guys who want to meet after one message. I understand it's frustrating logging in and chatting daily but as a woman online I have to be careful who I meet. I have been online since I was 15 years old and I have had some unpleasant experiences with some men I have met so I don't think it's unreasonable to ask to chat for a little while and then exchange numbers and chat on the phone for a bit before meeting up. You have to be careful there are some nasty people out there. These men tend to disappear when you ask them to talk a bit more before meeting.


Saying all that I did speak to two potentials. The first one was a guy I chatted to online and on the phone. We even planned to meet up. We had a lot in common and then on the day we were meeting he let me down. I was understanding that things crop up that can't be helped but then he left me hanging for five days waiting to hear from him. When he finally contacted me he was in a rush and things just didn't add up. I am not 100% sure if he was already in a relationship or what. I just didn't want to be left hanging like that and so I told him and then nothing. He just ignored me and never contacted me again. So that was the end of that. 


The second guy I really liked. Not necessarily as a date as I was pretty sure he wasn't interested in me in that way but as a friend. We got on well in messages. We had friendly banter and chatted about all sorts including how hard it was to find decent people on the site. He even admitted that I am the one person he found easy to talk to and enjoyed talking to. I know he wasn't sure if online dating was for him so he deleted his profile without saying bye or anything. Then a week later he popped back up again with a new profile and we chatted again then he did the same deleted it without as much as a bye or a way to keep in contact. So I guess I thought more of him than he did of me. 

Last night I decided enough was enough. I deleted my profile. I just got fed up with the same old and realised I am not unhappy on my own. I have my family and friends online. I don't need a man to be happy. I believe there is someone out there for me and that he will probably appear when I least expect it. I'm not saying online dating sites don't work because you do see many success stories but right now it's not for me. I know love will find me in the end it always does.  


Sunday, 12 March 2017

A Fun Weekend With Lilly

One of the things I love most about being back in Somerset is that I get to spend quality time with Lilly. Before I would only see her a few times a year but now I can see her whenever I want and she loves nothing more than coming over for a sleep over. 


This weekend she came over on Saturday morning and we decided to do another video for our YouTube channel. At the moment apparently it's all the rage to do challenge videos. So we decided to do the fizzy drink cocktail challenge where we bought a load of different fizzy drinks and mixed them all up into one drink and poured them out into coconut cups to drink from. We had a great laugh as always and Lilly is a natural on camera.  Here is our video: 




We then took the dogs for a lovely walk in the fields which they loved, especially Jack who loves to run after the ball. We then had a Chinese takeaway and watched Riverdale on Netflix. We really love this series but we didn't really get into this episode as much as others for some reason. 

In the evening we decided to do the tin can challenge for our YouTube as we had bought some tins earlier in the day. Basically the idea was to take the labels off the tins and mix them up and put numbers on them and then draw numbers and eat spoonfuls of the contents of the tins. I absolutely hate fish so wasn't excited about that and we had a huge nightmare trying to find a tin opener that worked. And then to my surprise at the end of the video Lilly decided to feed me tinned dog food which she found totally hilarious! It was yucky but the video is quite funny. Here it is: 




Today we chilled out and went for another walk with the dogs. Now I am totally shattered but I had a really great time. Someone criticised me for doing the videos with Lilly but I love doing things with her that makes her happy and as you can see from them I had a great time too. It's all fun fun fun :) 

Sunday, 26 February 2017

New Beginnings

I didn't write on my blog much last year because it was the worst year of my life. The year started off with big changes that Neil and I didn't see coming that ultimately brought our relationship to an end. Well I say that but I never really found out what caused our relationship to go from happy to ending a week later whilst I was away on holiday with my family but I do know at least one other person was involved in Neil's decision. 

At the very start of last year my life was starting to look up. I had one to one appointments with a chronic fatigue therapist so I was looking forward to trying to learn to control my fatigue better and hopefully get back in to employment once I had a better sleeping pattern and I was reliable. Then after a few big changes in Neil's life on my birthday and after seven years together he decided to tell me he didn't want me anymore. My 37th birthday was the worst birthday of my life. I was heartbroken and spent most of the day crying. Neil did agree to try again but then after a month he decided to give up on us again. I do believe that other people influenced his decision and that a few lies were told but I am not really going to go into great detail because it's just not worth it.
Instead I am going to write a few things about what I have learnt from my experience: 

1. Never believe in promises made at the start of a relationship.  The start of a relationship is so exciting but things can so easily be said when lust is involved. I was promised so much from Neil including him moving to Somerset to be with me, marriage and trying for kids. I should of known after three years when he said he would move and he didn't that these things were just said to keep me interested. I don't believe Neil had any plans to marry me. In fact he confessed to me before I left that he didn't even want to get engaged. That hurt a lot because he knew how important these things were to me at the time. He may of been there before and done all that but I hadn't and I basically wanted what most women want in life. Right up to the day before Neil dumped me he told me he loved me daily and often. Those three words are so easy to say. 

2. Never move from your happiness for anyone.  For me I have always been extremely close to my mum, dad, sister and niece. I know a lot of people move away from their family when they are adults but for me it was the hardest thing to do but I did it because I loved Neil and wanted our relationship to progress and it was the next step for us but it lead to four years of unhappiness for me. Yes we had good times but I felt terribly homesick for my family and for Somerset. Kidderminster was never my ideal location to live. I think anyone will know there is a huge difference between Bath and Kidderminster. I just wasn't used to it and I saw things there I have never seen before in my life. I made a few friends there mostly through walking Shortie but they weren't really people I hung out with so I was incredibly lonely most of the time and the house wasn't my idea home, it was always Neil's house and I never felt I could make it my own. I just got on with it though because I loved Neil and I wanted to be with him. Only since moving back here I have fully realised how unhappy I was up there outside of our relationship. 

3. Good guys aren't always the best.  I've never gone for the tough type of guy and I am not going to go out now and find someone rough for my next relationship but there is such a thing as being too nice and I think Neil fell into that category. When we were together he was my rock and even when we split up and before I moved he was still kind to me but the problem with this is he had no balls. When we got together he promised me he would always be open with me if he was unhappy but he didn't tell me and right to the end he kept things from me because he was too scared to tell me. I was always totally open and honest about me thoughts and feelings but he couldn't do that which I found extremely cowardly. 

4. Some mothers need to let their sons grow up and fight their own battles.  When I was with Neil I really liked his parents and respected them but that when down the pan when Neil's mother decided to take it upon herself to quite frankly butt in to our relationship and be totally disrespectful to members of my family who she had never even met. I understand that everyone is going to protect their child but Neil is in his forties yet his mother still treats him like a little boy sometimes. It wasn't needed. The thing that really showed her spitefulness was when she gave me a gift before Neil dumped me and then as I was leaving she demanded it back. Lots of my friends said to just take it but I decided to leave it because I am a better person than her. I would never do that to someone. She has to live with that though. I believe in what goes around comes around and maybe Neil's next partner won't be as kind as I was and maybe can tell her to back off a bit and let Neil be the man I believe he can be. 

5. I deserve better and happiness.  Over the months that I remained at Neil's looking for somewhere to move (which wasn't easy due to my health problems and my dogs) I did a lot of thinking. Every day for months I had to watch the man I loved move further and further away from me and leave me alone every night whilst he went up to the attic to sleep in the other room in the house. At first it hurt a lot. Neil withdrew from me so much in the end that I'm afraid to say I doubt we will ever have the friendship I had always hoped for. He started walking the dogs alone for longer and didn't want me to go so he could talk to other people on the telephone. He even left me to spend most of Christmas and New Year alone. 
The biggest thing I have learnt is I deserve better than Neil. I have my problems and faults but that doesn't mean I am a bad person that doesn't deserve to be loved and happy. Right now I'm enjoying time alone, being just me, but in the future I do believe I will find happiness with someone else. During my early adulthood I spend my whole time searching for "the one" then when I hit 25 I decided to take time out and just have friends and find myself. At 31 I met Neil and I believed he was "the one".  Now I am not sure I believe in "the one" theory. I to believe that people can have more than one person who is special in their lifetime. I live in hope I will find something special again in the future. 

Despite everything that has happened I will always think highly of Neil because we had some really good times together and like I said he is a nice guy he just needs to be a little more open with people. I wish him well and happiness too. 

So at the end of January I moved back to Somerset. When I was getting towards the moving date I was so worried that I wasn't going to cope and that my depression was going to flare up in a big way but when I moved back it was almost like an instant switch in me. I became this new and more positive Ellen. I still have really bad fatigue days but for the most part I am happy. My family says even my voice sounds different. I am far more confident and don't wake up thinking I have nothing to live for or look forward to. 

I didn't write on my blog that last year Neil and I adopted a new dog. He belonged to my friend Debs but he just wasn't that happy with some of her other dogs so she did the kindest thing for him and gave him to us. We knew Jack from the age of 8 weeks and to be honest I fell in love with him instantly. He is such a special boy. He loved Neil a lot but when we split up there was no way Neil could keep him with work commitments and I wanted to keep him so he moved back to Somerset with me and Shortie. 

The hardest thing I had to do was leave my Tiggs with Neil. Tigger was my cat for 16 years but I had to do what was best for him. Some people criticised my decision on Facebook saying they could never leave their cat but I had to do it for him and I know Neil will take good care of him. As Tiggs is an older cat I thought it would be unfair to take him away from where he was happy. If he had come with me he wouldn't of been able to go out and Tiggs is such an outdoors cat. He loves to roam about. I cried a lot over my decision and not a day goes by when I don't think of him. I really hope he would forgive me and know that I had to put his happiness first.  

I love being back in Somerset. I love it down here. I love living in an uncluttered home. 




I am enjoying lovely countryside walks with my dogs, Shortie and Jack. 



And most importantly I am loving spending time with my family. I go to bingo with my mum and sister Anna every week and I go walking in the fields with Anna, my niece Lilly and our dogs often too. 



I also get to have sleep overs with Lilly which is so much fun. We do things like go geocaching or make funny videos. Today we decided to do the smoothie challenge where we got some yummy and yucky goodies to put in and made smoothies. It was very messy, gross and funny. Here is our video if you want to see what we put in the smoothies. 







One thing for sure - I wouldn't change my life for all the money in the world right now. Home is where the heart is and my heart is with my family and Somerset. I would never go back now. 

"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me.....and I'm feeling good"