I didn't write on my blog much last year because it was the worst year of my life. The year started off with big changes that Neil and I didn't see coming that ultimately brought our relationship to an end. Well I say that but I never really found out what caused our relationship to go from happy to ending a week later whilst I was away on holiday with my family but I do know at least one other person was involved in Neil's decision.
At the very start of last year my life was starting to look up. I had one to one appointments with a chronic fatigue therapist so I was looking forward to trying to learn to control my fatigue better and hopefully get back in to employment once I had a better sleeping pattern and I was reliable. Then after a few big changes in Neil's life on my birthday and after seven years together he decided to tell me he didn't want me anymore. My 37th birthday was the worst birthday of my life. I was heartbroken and spent most of the day crying. Neil did agree to try again but then after a month he decided to give up on us again. I do believe that other people influenced his decision and that a few lies were told but I am not really going to go into great detail because it's just not worth it.
Instead I am going to write a few things about what I have learnt from my experience:
1. Never believe in promises made at the start of a relationship. The start of a relationship is so exciting but things can so easily be said when lust is involved. I was promised so much from Neil including him moving to Somerset to be with me, marriage and trying for kids. I should of known after three years when he said he would move and he didn't that these things were just said to keep me interested. I don't believe Neil had any plans to marry me. In fact he confessed to me before I left that he didn't even want to get engaged. That hurt a lot because he knew how important these things were to me at the time. He may of been there before and done all that but I hadn't and I basically wanted what most women want in life. Right up to the day before Neil dumped me he told me he loved me daily and often. Those three words are so easy to say.
2. Never move from your happiness for anyone. For me I have always been extremely close to my mum, dad, sister and niece. I know a lot of people move away from their family when they are adults but for me it was the hardest thing to do but I did it because I loved Neil and wanted our relationship to progress and it was the next step for us but it lead to four years of unhappiness for me. Yes we had good times but I felt terribly homesick for my family and for Somerset. Kidderminster was never my ideal location to live. I think anyone will know there is a huge difference between Bath and Kidderminster. I just wasn't used to it and I saw things there I have never seen before in my life. I made a few friends there mostly through walking Shortie but they weren't really people I hung out with so I was incredibly lonely most of the time and the house wasn't my idea home, it was always Neil's house and I never felt I could make it my own. I just got on with it though because I loved Neil and I wanted to be with him. Only since moving back here I have fully realised how unhappy I was up there outside of our relationship.
3. Good guys aren't always the best. I've never gone for the tough type of guy and I am not going to go out now and find someone rough for my next relationship but there is such a thing as being too nice and I think Neil fell into that category. When we were together he was my rock and even when we split up and before I moved he was still kind to me but the problem with this is he had no balls. When we got together he promised me he would always be open with me if he was unhappy but he didn't tell me and right to the end he kept things from me because he was too scared to tell me. I was always totally open and honest about me thoughts and feelings but he couldn't do that which I found extremely cowardly.
4. Some mothers need to let their sons grow up and fight their own battles. When I was with Neil I really liked his parents and respected them but that when down the pan when Neil's mother decided to take it upon herself to quite frankly butt in to our relationship and be totally disrespectful to members of my family who she had never even met. I understand that everyone is going to protect their child but Neil is in his forties yet his mother still treats him like a little boy sometimes. It wasn't needed. The thing that really showed her spitefulness was when she gave me a gift before Neil dumped me and then as I was leaving she demanded it back. Lots of my friends said to just take it but I decided to leave it because I am a better person than her. I would never do that to someone. She has to live with that though. I believe in what goes around comes around and maybe Neil's next partner won't be as kind as I was and maybe can tell her to back off a bit and let Neil be the man I believe he can be.
5. I deserve better and happiness. Over the months that I remained at Neil's looking for somewhere to move (which wasn't easy due to my health problems and my dogs) I did a lot of thinking. Every day for months I had to watch the man I loved move further and further away from me and leave me alone every night whilst he went up to the attic to sleep in the other room in the house. At first it hurt a lot. Neil withdrew from me so much in the end that I'm afraid to say I doubt we will ever have the friendship I had always hoped for. He started walking the dogs alone for longer and didn't want me to go so he could talk to other people on the telephone. He even left me to spend most of Christmas and New Year alone.
The biggest thing I have learnt is I deserve better than Neil. I have my problems and faults but that doesn't mean I am a bad person that doesn't deserve to be loved and happy. Right now I'm enjoying time alone, being just me, but in the future I do believe I will find happiness with someone else. During my early adulthood I spend my whole time searching for "the one" then when I hit 25 I decided to take time out and just have friends and find myself. At 31 I met Neil and I believed he was "the one". Now I am not sure I believe in "the one" theory. I to believe that people can have more than one person who is special in their lifetime. I live in hope I will find something special again in the future.
Despite everything that has happened I will always think highly of Neil because we had some really good times together and like I said he is a nice guy he just needs to be a little more open with people. I wish him well and happiness too.
So at the end of January I moved back to Somerset. When I was getting towards the moving date I was so worried that I wasn't going to cope and that my depression was going to flare up in a big way but when I moved back it was almost like an instant switch in me. I became this new and more positive Ellen. I still have really bad fatigue days but for the most part I am happy. My family says even my voice sounds different. I am far more confident and don't wake up thinking I have nothing to live for or look forward to.
I didn't write on my blog that last year Neil and I adopted a new dog. He belonged to my friend Debs but he just wasn't that happy with some of her other dogs so she did the kindest thing for him and gave him to us. We knew Jack from the age of 8 weeks and to be honest I fell in love with him instantly. He is such a special boy. He loved Neil a lot but when we split up there was no way Neil could keep him with work commitments and I wanted to keep him so he moved back to Somerset with me and Shortie.
The hardest thing I had to do was leave my Tiggs with Neil. Tigger was my cat for 16 years but I had to do what was best for him. Some people criticised my decision on Facebook saying they could never leave their cat but I had to do it for him and I know Neil will take good care of him. As Tiggs is an older cat I thought it would be unfair to take him away from where he was happy. If he had come with me he wouldn't of been able to go out and Tiggs is such an outdoors cat. He loves to roam about. I cried a lot over my decision and not a day goes by when I don't think of him. I really hope he would forgive me and know that I had to put his happiness first.
I love being back in Somerset. I love it down here. I love living in an uncluttered home.
I am enjoying lovely countryside walks with my dogs, Shortie and Jack.
And most importantly I am loving spending time with my family. I go to bingo with my mum and sister Anna every week and I go walking in the fields with Anna, my niece Lilly and our dogs often too.
I also get to have sleep overs with Lilly which is so much fun. We do things like go geocaching or make funny videos. Today we decided to do the smoothie challenge where we got some yummy and yucky goodies to put in and made smoothies. It was very messy, gross and funny. Here is our video if you want to see what we put in the smoothies.
One thing for sure - I wouldn't change my life for all the money in the world right now. Home is where the heart is and my heart is with my family and Somerset. I would never go back now.
"It's a new dawn, it's a new day, it's a new life for me.....and I'm feeling good"